Receiving Love

30“But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31“So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.
-Matthew 10:30

It was late at night, I was stroking my niece’s hair as she fell asleep to he sound of me singing to her. I caressed her face and held her. As I stroked her hair God reminded me that He knows the number of hairs on my head. That’s how He knows, because He isn’t just somewhere far far away, He is right here stroking my hair and my face, I am more precious to Him than my niece is to me. And what matters to me matters to Him. His love is perfect and He loves me with an everlasting love. The problem is, I don’t know how to receive love.

When I was in my late teens and into my twenties I suffered from severe acne. My face would hurt and I was ashamed to go out of my house without a make up. I prayed that God would heal me from that and He did! Unfortunately, because of that my skin got damaged and there were scars left from what I experienced. When people get close to me they may see them, which I realized, may be something I avoid. On this night, God showed me a clear picture of this and showed me it wasn’t just my physical flaws that I didn’t want people to see.

KNOWLEDGE
I wasn’t taught how to receive well, I was taught that I shouldn’t ask for anything because it was rude, and I learned to give and share and do. I also never saw examples of receiving love. I didn’t see bring teachable modeled to me, that’s a way to receive love too, when someone cares enough about you to show you blind spots or to warn you or correct you in love. I love my family, but none of us grew up in a Christian home. For generations, it’s been catholic or “religious” practices but we didn’t have a revelation of who God really is, neither were any of my relatives aware of how important our roles are. Fathers weren’t taught to imitate our Heavenly Father, mothers weren’t taught to model love like The father. They weren’t taught how to show grace, or encourage and guide etc… Because they didn’t have a relationship with Christ so how would they know?

HURT

” You won’t let anyone get close” I heard God whisper to me as I prayed that He would help me receive love. He is right, I haven’t.

“Well…if I do, they will get close and see my flaws and point them out to me” i thought, I wasn’t  referring to the physical flaws, I was referring to other flaws: Insecurities, fears, where I fall short in their expectations of me or where I should be in my life, they often criticize what I’m doing with my career, or what I haven’t done, what Job I have or don’t have. So, I keep my self to myself. If I am far enough away, they will see the pretty impressionistic picture and might even be pleased at the sight.

When people have gotten close to me, it seemed as soon as they saw my flaws they didn’t want to deal with my imperfections so I got hurt by them, either by them trying to change me into something I wasn’t (their version of who they thought I was supposed to be) or they left me. It took a toll on me, every break up, every lengthy recovery time from those broken relationships. I am weary God. I don’t want to go through that again and suffer more pain and heavier baggage to carry or work through I already have a heavy load as it is. So for so long I haven’t even wanted to be in a relationship, because I have felt like I can be me and have flaws and not have to be perfect if I keep myself in a bubble. I don’t have to explain myself, or defend myself. I don’t have to fight, or struggle or strive or please anyone but me. Maybe I don’t grow as much that way but I don’t want to be hurt again, because it really hurts. When you love and hope, and give and give and even bend and the other person isn’t willing to jump over the walls or love me through my imperfections and say ” I am willing, and I am going to stay”. The real big picture is summed up in one question “Do I believe I am worthy of being loved?”

HEART

Even if God was to bring me a man that would love me excellently and be willing and promised to stay, it would be useless if I couldn’t receive that love. So the issue is not just on the outside, it’s mostly inside. Do I believe I am worthy of love? I don’t feel that I am, I feel like my life is not in perfect order and I’m kind of a mess right now, and I’ve got issues such as this one. And am I pretty enough, accomplished enough, strong enough? Mature enough, responsible enough? Do I have what it takes to be in a relationship? Will I be a blessing or a burden?. And yet God sweetly reminds me of where I was when I met Him. I was a bigger mess, I was imperfect and a spiritual adulteress, Idolatrous, given to alcohol and other vices. Broken to pieces, ashamed, hurt, abandoned, hopeless and depressed. And yet He loved me so much, that He chose that moment to reveal Himself to me, pursue me and not let me go. Perhaps to show me even now that I didn’t have to be perfect to be loved I just had to be willing and He would do the rest. That I am worthy of His perfect love, the love of The King of the universe, ruler and creator of all of heaven and all of earth and everything that is and ever was. I have to let God transform me by the renewing of my mind. I need to be reprogrammed. The truth has to overcome the lies that I’ve believed so long. I am worthy of love , I am loved, God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. He has loved me with an everlasting love, He numbers the hairs on my head, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am a joint heir with Christ, as He is so am I in this world (and He is loved by The Father). I know the truth, it just is taking a while to take root and spring forth and bear fruit. But God is faithful and He is patient.

PRIDE

God wants to get rid of pride. Pride is something keeping me from receiving. Because when we receive it humbles us. When someone gives us something, it puts us in a position of need. God showed me that I over give and I won’t let people give to me because it is a matter of control which is basically pride. When I used to date before I wouldn’t let men pay, I would get my own door because if I did, I felt it put me in a weak position. It actually was putting me in a vulnerable position but being vulnerable isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When my friends try to pay me for my work or for babysitting, that is also me not receiving because I don’t want to seem as though I need anything or am asking for anything. In that He also showed me another reason I do that is that I am trying to earn His love by works. And it is all tied together, it is interesting how God showed me all these images of me giving up time and money to others and showed me how pride played a role.

TRUST

“So what do I do now God?” I asked. And  then He answered quickly and softly. What do I do now? I let Him. I open my hand and let Him walk me through it like a child holding her father’s hand, a large powerful father walking in tall in a sea of other children, walking his beloved daughter protecting her and showing her it is safe, watching her as she interacts with the others and is there to help at any moment and there for her to run to at any moment. But I have to first give Him my hand, I have to surrender, moment by moment, and that takes strength but most importantly trust and faith. I don’t know if I can do that but I am willing. And I trust He is faithful and powerful enough to protect me. I surrender in this moment all of my past hurt, all my pain, all the disappointments, rejections, fears, insecurities, pride, and all the lies and trade that for His peace, love, joy, and restoration in my life. I may have to do this daily and maybe many times but God is faithful and His grace is sufficient.
I am not an impressionistic painting, I am no Monet . I don’t have to hide or run away from others or keep myself high on a wall to be seen in passing. I am God’s masterpiece. He wants me to to shine my light, be a reflection of His love, and the way I can love others is by first letting myself be loved by Him.

God Is Our defender

Obadiah 1:3

New King James Version (NKJV)

³ The pride of your heart has deceived you, You who dwell in the clefts of the rock, Whose habitation is high; You who say in your heart, ‘Who will bring me down to the ground?’

I had built walls around my self. It took many years of building them to get them as tough as they were. Subconsciously, if I built them high enough and strong enough, no one could get in or hurt me. I spent many years “loving” people from afar including relatives, always at arms length. If I shared my thoughts, emotions or affection at all, it was rationed according to my strategized calculations. What I didn’t realize, these walls were not protecting me, they were hurting me. I didn’t give myself a chance  to feel loved because I didn’t let people get close enough to. And the way that I defended myself was not only hurting others but hurting myself.  I was constantly defensive,  relying on intelligence or information. I was so good at protecting and investigating, reading behaviors. It was exhausting. How can you love or be loved when you don’t trust? The other person was never made aware of my distrust I would keep that to myself as well but I acted distant and non-committal and wouldn’t let on how much I actually cared. I wanted love but would push people away if they got too close. How? With Pride. Pride is the impostor of protection. I leaned on my pride to keep me secure due to my insecurities. I fought for my space, I withdrew to give consequence, and argued to stand my ground and not show weakness. And worse, I acted like I didn’t’ care when I actually cared so much that I was scared. It’s hard to understand without painting the picture for you but just imagine loving someone so much but you not being able to tell them.

I didn’t get this way just because, like many, I had so many reasons, stemming from Father issues, of course. I had a bad fear of abandonment, and I was taught not to be weak and to be independent. Somehow my brain put all that together with other issues and got that behavior as the best product. Now when you put it down in writing it looks horrible, but It was all hidden behind this very quiet veneer. The truth is I wasn’t this overly suspicious person, in fact, I acted as though I was completely secure and unconcerned about the other person, but in reality I was very afraid to feel a need for them.

Psalm 94:22 (NKJV)

²² But the Lord has been my defense, And my God the rock of my refuge.

What’s the good news?  The Holy Spirit reveled this to me: If I let God be my defender I am  free to love and be loved.  He is all-powerful and all-knowing. There was nothing that would go unnoticed by Him. He loves me so much He protects me, He is my defender. I didn’t have to protect myself from my own feelings. It is ok to feel strong emotions, and yes I had gotten hurt before but God healed me and I learned. Why not just feel it all this time? Even if I got hurt, this time I was determined to let myself show emotions, feel them, and it was wonderful. I am still learning how to label my feelings and how to express them, but at least I allow myself to feel these deep connections.

Jeremiah 17:7
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.

To trust in God is what keeps me safe. It is better to trust in God who is constant, than in man because we are human. I learned to look at it from the perspective of , God cares about me and will take care of me. People are human and we sometimes fail, so better to put my trust in God. Does this mean we shouldn’t trust others? I’m not saying that. “Love hopes all things, believes all things, always trusts” (1 Corinthians 13:7) I think God reminds us to just believe because it takes faith in Him to do that. I had to shift my paradigm completely. I had to learn to see the other person as being my brother, who has my best interest at heart. And to trust  that God would speak to his heart and lead him to be a man of integrity and treat me with respect and honor. Did I do this all the time? no, it takes time to rewire or reprogram yourself from years of wrong thinking, but I have made huge changes and I trust I will continue to reap the rewards if I do not grow weary doing good. If my Father in heaven tells me I should do something, I know it is for my best. So I first should do it out of obedience and trust in Him. He is faithful. He will take care of the rest. I cannot control what another does but I can control how I behave, and if I follow My Heavenly Father’s instruction He will protect me.

Psalm 91:2
I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

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Be At Peace With One Another

^{James 4:14 NKJV}

¹⁴ whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.

This chapter starts off by talking about quarrels, I find it interesting that in the same chapter, it points out that life is short. The beginning is basically asking, why do we fight? is it not because of selfish motives? because we do not get what we want? but Then it goes on to say that we do not know if we will have a tomorrow. Some of us understand the concept of life being too short, but have you considered that our relationships are also not guaranteed? What if we didn’t have that person in our life any longer? I heard a speaker at church tell a story about a lady who would have brain surgery to remove a tumor but be unable to speak after that. He said if that were him, he would want to say everything he could before that happened, but she told him she would be very picky about what she said. God Calls us to be good stewards over everything He entrusts us with, this  includes the people He has placed in our lives. Are we encouraging, edifying with our words. Are we loving them?

John 15:12 (NIV)

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

John 13:34-35 (NIV)

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

He says this more than once, It must be important.  I was visiting with some good friends today, a couple, they have been married four years and they love each other very much. They were upset at each other and when I saw that it made me sad. I wonder if God looks at us and our relationships and feels saddened by our disagreements or when we don’t talk to each other. As I wondered away, I was reminded of a verse in Matthew:

Matthew 5:23-24 (NKJV)

²³ Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

I have found that there have been times when I had an issue with someone, and it was even  hard to pray. I actually kept hearing God say this verse in Matthew to me. Our relationships are important to God. They matter to Him. I believe He is well aware of how they affect us, more so than we are. He knows the condition of our hearts, as psalms says He is the keeper of our soul so He knows it well. How does that make you feel, to Know that Almighty God who is I control of keeping the planets in motion, the stars in place, the sun shining  and sustaining our world, this Heavenly Creator of all things cares about and takes the time to notice if we are well with a brother or sister? He cares for each of us and wants us to enjoy healthy relationships, because He understands how important being in community is to our well being. God said it is not good that man be alone. I like my alone time, I develop ideas, write, paint, sing, study,  process thoughts and information well, pray, worship, I mean the list goes on and on… However, too much alone time and I can overthink. Also, there are many reasons for being around others, we are the Body Of Christ. And I know that once I discus matters with a brother or sister (Godly Wise counsel) I gain fresh perspective. They may even correct me in love by the word when I don’t realize that there is a different way to handle a situation.

1 Corinthians 12:20

²⁰ But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. ²¹ And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.”

I have tried to resolve issues on my own, and just shut down and not speak of what I am going through. I of course go to God first, worship, pray, but we do need wise counsel. The bible says that where there is no counsel the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety (proverbs 11:14)  and As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. (proverbs 27:17)

In short, we need each other. Every person God has placed in your life, was placed there with a purpose. God foreknew the effect that friendship would have in your life. We each have spiritual gifts, talents, abilities, and personalities that are unique and it all impacts the people around us. Our lives touch those we come in contact with, good or bad. We should choose our actions and our words carefully. How great would it be to know that everyone we have come into contact with knew the love of God through us? that they felt they grew or learned something, felt inspired, or felt better some way just by knowing us? This is how people will know we are His disciples, this is how people will know the love of God.

Matthew 5:16 (NKJV)¹⁶ Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

I hope that if there is anyone that you are not right with at the moment that you will take the time to first acknowledge God. Thank Him for your relationship with that person, whatever kind it may be. Ask God to forgive you for any part you may have had in the division between you and them, ask God to reveal that to you. Pray for that person, and not an angry prayer such as ” God I pray you show them that they are wrong, and fix their attitude….” pray first that God will help you to see them as His beloved child. ( I will pray with you in a little while). Forgive them if you are angry with them. If possible, call them, or better yet meet with them and sincerely apologize. God shows grace to the humble but He opposes the proud (James 4:6 Prov. 3:34). Make things right with all those around you, and love one another as God has loved us. I close with a scripture and we can pray.

Romans 12:18

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁸ If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.

Father in Heaven, Almighty God, we thank you for every person you have placed in our lives. Thank you that you care about each one of your children, that you take care to count the hairs on our head. Please forgive us for mistreating or taking for granted some or all the people you have blessed us with. Forgive us for being proud, being selfish, or for forgetting to acknowledge you or place you in the center of these relationships. Father you know the people we may have an issue with, we lift them up to you right now, you know who they are. Help us to see their needs, open our eyes LORD. Thank you God, that this person or these persons are unique, fearfully and wonderfully made. Their uniqueness has touched our lives and we are being refined by these relationships, Father you are a Restorer. Please restore this relationship. Help me to sow seeds of love, and of trust, and peace in their lives. You know what they need and You are LORD so I surrender their concerns to you and ask that you meet them at the point of their every need. I pray you speak whatever your Holy Spirit would want to reveal to their hearts. Heal the hurt or pain we may have caused one another, help us forgive with your supernatural ability to forgive, and help us to love one another as you love us. Thank you for your patience, your mercy and grace, fill us with your love that it may overflow in abundance to all whom we come in contact with. Bless them Father and bless us, we love you, we praise you in advance for the restoration taking place right now, we trust in You God. We ask this in the name of Our Lord, your beloved Son, Jesus. Amen.

Brokenness

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I realize that I am broken right now. I used to try to hide my imperfections, I am a perfectionist by nature, so any flaw in me was met by constant correction. If I couldn’t fix it, I would cover it up. For a long time I struggled with this, and my relationship with God was no different. My walk with God  was a battle within myself to be the best Christian I could be by my works. Whenever I “failed” I would feel so defeated, I would work to fix myself, or I would hide it from God. I have come to the realization that God wants all of  me, yes, even the unattractive parts of me,  He wants me to hold nothing back.

I recently saw this image  that shows a broken vessel, its cracks filled with gold. In Japan they believe that objects such as these are beautiful because of the stories that they hold. God revealed something very powerful to me. I have been broken many times, and the damage is there, but every time I have broken it was a moment that God touched me and filled that area with gold ( His refining). It marks a moment when God showed up in my life and transformed me.

I boast in my weaknesses. I know the pain of loosing my child, I know what it is like to feel bound to anxiety, I know how fear can cripple, I understand depression and how you can’t eat, sleep, and it hurts as soon as you wake up. I know about insecurities and how pride can destroy relationships. I know what It is like to have a physical weakness, I understand what it’s like to rely on other things instead of relying on God. And each one of these imperfections God has touched, and filed with gold. It does tell a story. I have gone through many things in my young age, but they are moments that shaped me. I understand the calling on my life. How could I be there for others not knowing all of these things? Many tell me that they wonder how I know so much scripture. I don’t say this to brag, I know this not because I am so wise or have so much knowledge, but because I’ve gone through moments where all I had was God’s word to stand on. I needed these verses to give me the strength, to remind me of God’s promises. I searched for them like hidden treasures and They were exactly what I needed.

I am not perfect, I understand I am broken, and I do not ask God to take away the sadness, the feeling of emptiness, I know it won’t last. So I use it now while I have it, to push me forward to do that which God is calling me to. This vessel may have cracked more than once, but I am being made more radiant every day because of His grace. We are called to be kings and priests, and to one day judge angels.  And here on Earth, God has specific plans just for me and how He wants to use me, some have been revealed and some haven’t, but I do know that this is part of what my character needed. And I can serve more humbly because of my trials. Now, some may only focus on the cracks, some may only see the gold, that’s not any of my business. My eyes are to be fixed on Him. He that has begun a good work in me will see it through to completion till the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Introduction

“LORD, I realize I know nothing. This area of my life, I have always tried to control. Please take over. Clearly,  I don’t know what I am doing, please God, not only do I ask for wisdom, I say please just take control. Here are the keys to my heart, my feelings, my thoughts, my words, all of me, take over please” I had cried over a relationship ending for the last time. It took me falling down to get me on my knees to surrender. I think that’s when God can do the most, when we move out of the way, stop trying to control things. Often we have to be at our weakest to see His strength.

Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)

⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

We can sometimes forget that He is on the throne, and that His will for us is better than our small ambitions,  no matter how great they may seem to us. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us He knows the plans He has for us, they are plans to prosper us not harm us, to give us a hope and a future. Why did the LORD go through the trouble of saying this to us? Because we do question His ways, that’s one reason. Many times we want to control things because we do not trust that He has a plan for our good.

In the midst of all of this I felt called to write a book on relationships. That’s funny, I just got done admitting my inadequacy in this area and what a fool I have been. So “why me?” I asked ,”who am I to write a book?” I wasn’t qualified, no degrees, no psychology experience, and to boot, here I was single and fumbling through my last “relationship” and feeling incapable of making one work. Then I heard His sweet whisper:

1 Corinthians 1:26-27 (NKJV)

“For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty;”

You see, the bible has story after story of God using ordinary people to do extraordinary things. Usually people who the world would view as unqualified or unlikely for such a feet. Moses stuttered and asked God to use his brother instead. Clearly, God sees us differently than we see ourselves, and what He speaks manifests, but we see ourselves  as less than what Almighty God sees in us and created us to be. More on this to come.

So who am I, that I should guide you into a better relationship? No one, but the great I AM has given us His word, and not by my might but by the Spirit that lives in me will His word be applied to this area in our lives. I will share my experiences and lessons that God has allowed me to go through as well as what I have heard the Holy Spirit say to me about relationships His way. In a way, we are taking this journey together. My hope in writing this, is that we will awaken to see God’s love for us and His hand in our lives, that we are equipped for what He is preparing us for in this process: A future in our lives that we have never known, better than we can dream. I purpose that these words will not only encourage , empower , maybe even comfort many by God’s word, but that His truth would protect and direct us to make better choices, and to learn to love and be loved the way God intended.

Let’s pray,

Father, we acknowledge that you are LORD, that your will is perfect, your love is the only perfect love. teach us to guard our hearts, to Love you first, to acknowledge you in all our ways. Father please protect us, guide us in this journey and may your love for us be ever-present in our hearts, may we believe that we are who you say we are, and become these wonderful children of God,  crowned with your favor, with grace on our lips, prudent, wise, humble putting on love always. In Jesus’ name Amen.