New King James Version (NKJV)
3 The pride of your heart has deceived you, You who dwell in the clefts of the rock, Whose habitation is high; You who say in your heart, ‘Who will bring me down to the ground?’
I had built walls around my self. It took many years of building them to get them as tough as they were. Subconsciously, if I built them high enough and strong enough, no one could get in or hurt me. I spent many years “loving” people from afar including relatives, always at arms length. If I shared my thoughts, emotions or affection at all, it was rationed according to my strategized calculations. What I didn’t realize, these walls were not protecting me, they were hurting me. I didn’t give myself a chance to feel loved because I didn’t let people get close enough to. And the way that I defended myself was not only hurting others but hurting myself. I was constantly defensive, relying on intelligence or information. I was so good at protecting and investigating, reading behaviors. It was exhausting. How can you love or be loved when you don’t trust? The other person was never made aware of my distrust I would keep that to myself as well but I acted distant and non-committal and wouldn’t let on how much I actually cared. I wanted love but would push people away if they got too close. How? With Pride. Pride is the impostor of protection. I leaned on my pride to keep me secure due to my insecurities. I fought for my space, I withdrew to give consequence, and argued to stand my ground and not show weakness. And worse, I acted like I didn’t’ care when I actually cared so much that I was scared. It’s hard to understand without painting the picture for you but just imagine loving someone so much but you not being able to tell them.
I didn’t get this way just because, like many, I had so many reasons, stemming from Father issues, of course. I had a bad fear of abandonment, and I was taught not to be weak and to be independent. Somehow my brain put all that together with other issues and got that behavior as the best product. Now when you put it down in writing it looks horrible, but It was all hidden behind this very quiet veneer. The truth is I wasn’t this overly suspicious person, in fact, I acted as though I was completely secure and unconcerned about the other person, but in reality I was very afraid to feel a need for them.
Psalm 94:22 (NKJV)
22 But the Lord has been my defense, And my God the rock of my refuge.
What’s the good news? The Holy Spirit reveled this to me: If I let God be my defender I am free to love and be loved. He is all-powerful and all-knowing. There was nothing that would go unnoticed by Him. He loves me so much He protects me, He is my defender. I didn’t have to protect myself from my own feelings. It is ok to feel strong emotions, and yes I had gotten hurt before but God healed me and I learned. Why not just feel it all this time? Even if I got hurt, this time I was determined to let myself show emotions, feel them, and it was wonderful. I am still learning how to label my feelings and how to express them, but at least I allow myself to feel these deep connections.
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.
To trust in God is what keeps me safe. It is better to trust in God who is constant, than in man because we are human. I learned to look at it from the perspective of , God cares about me and will take care of me. People are human and we sometimes fail, so better to put my trust in God. Does this mean we shouldn’t trust others? I’m not saying that. “Love hopes all things, believes all things, always trusts” (1 Corinthians 13:7) I think God reminds us to just believe because it takes faith in Him to do that. I had to shift my paradigm completely. I had to learn to see the other person as being my brother, who has my best interest at heart. And to trust that God would speak to his heart and lead him to be a man of integrity and treat me with respect and honor. Did I do this all the time? no, it takes time to rewire or reprogram yourself from years of wrong thinking, but I have made huge changes and I trust I will continue to reap the rewards if I do not grow weary doing good. If my Father in heaven tells me I should do something, I know it is for my best. So I first should do it out of obedience and trust in Him. He is faithful. He will take care of the rest. I cannot control what another does but I can control how I behave, and if I follow My Heavenly Father’s instruction He will protect me.
- Don’t worry! (tulok2013.wordpress.com)
- Are You A Humble Soldier Of God? (inspirationalchristiansfortoday.com)